Creative Writing Post 1: #1
List topic: Giving aid to friend in need/advice
Winter came in with a vengeance, confining the previously ecstatic youth to their heated houses. Cold winds carried a type of chill that made the recipients of the blast angry; even the grass blanched at the sky in sickened shock. One young female teenager boldly disregarded the Winter’s best efforts to strike her down. With sweat on her brow, she walked, barefoot with determination, to the house of her oldest friend.
The insistent ringing of the door bell brought the older friend to the door, disbelief and annoyance imbedded in the blurred eyes of her face. It was 6:45 and she had just gotten to sleep at 6:00, her glasses were still clutched in her hand.
The one inside looked at the one outside. The question of why she was there came to the mind first but after an inspection of the other’s state, another inquiry pushed the first aside. The girl stood before her with bloodshot eyes, red nose, bare feet, rumpled clothes that were dirtied in some spots, and sweating.
“Boyfriend problems-again?”
“He came over yesterday.”
“I thought you told me you broke up? Honey, how many times are you going to take him back? What lies did he feed you this time?”
“It’s not what you think, will you listen to me and stop talkin-”
“Like I listened to you all the other times? 5 months of hearing about him, every time we talk and this was after you broke up. He cheated, you took him back. He crashed with you in the car; he almost killed you because he was drunk, you took him back. He gave you drugs, he threw you dow-“
“I was there! It happened to me, I know! But it’s different this time. Please, I just need your advice-no, I need your help.”
The younger one stepped forward, took the glasses from the other’s hand and placed them on her face. The one inside looked at the one outside. The question of what was needed came to mind first but after another, clearer inspection of the other’s state, no further inquiry could be formed. Bloodshot and bruised eyes released tears that clung to the sides of a broken, reddened nose. Rumpled, ripped clothes darkened by a deep red splotches and sweat.
“I need you to get a shovel, disinfectant, maybe an old pair of shoes and a trash bag. Meet me in my car-don’t tell your husband.”
The story itself is really compelling, and makes you want to continue reading. However, maybe it's just me but it seems like the dialogue is a little out of place. The descriptions that start the story seem very formal, while the dialogue comes off very casual.
ReplyDeleteIt is very descriptive and definitely kept my attention...I especially like the ending it totally surprised me.
ReplyDeleteBecky
ReplyDeleteI definitely like how I didn't see the end coming. I like that the dialogue reveals a lot about what has happened in the past. However, it does get confusing and it's easy to mix the two girls up. Instead of saying "the one outside" and "the one inside" I think that you should give them names. I still think that you should mention once or twice that one is inside and one is outside, because there is definitely some symbolism there, but naming them would take away the confusion and allow the reader to concentrate more on the story.