This is all I can do in 20 minutes after a night spent playing Aion instead of sleeping and a day of classes.
1st
The friendly boy next door tried to kiss me behind the broken screen door, there was glass scattered on the floor.
He offered me hugs, I bestowed upon him bruises.
He presented me flowers, I imparted upon him with my fist.
He showed me his tears, I showed him his blood.
2nd
I saw my stupid neighbor trying to kiss my best friend behind the broken screen door, there was broken glass on the floor.
She tugged on his shirt, he pulled away.
She pushed flowers into his hand; he threw them to the ground.
She made him cry when she made him bleed.
3rd
The mother knows that her daughter has gone off with the neighbor’s son again.
She looks for them in her garden and finds them behind the broken screen door; colored glass is on the floor.
The boy’s best friend is standing there, watching them, unmoving.
The mother stomps forward but stops at the sight of blood.
This is interesting. I think it might work better as one big poem, instead of three short stories. You have a lot of vivid details in terms of what is going on between the boy and girl. I think it would also be better if you worked on this some more, made it longer, and added more detail. There is more of a story to be told here.
ReplyDeletethis is pretty interesting, I like it. I not completely sure what has happened but it leaves a lot to imagine, which is nice. I really like how the three parts are told from 3 different perspectives. I wish I could read what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI think this is really cool. I like that you kept a very similar structure throughout all three viewpoints. My suggestion would be to change the first sentence of the first 2 paragraphs, because I think they're just a little too similar. I like where this is going though.
ReplyDelete